Monday, June 16, 2008

Too much

After seven months, I still can't listen to Jack Johnson, Carla Bruni, The Decemberists, or the Garden State soundtrack. I can't watch Garden State, Jeopardy, or the new Pride and Prejudice. Playing golf is hard and going to Atlanta is possible, but painful. There's a little black dress that I won't put on and a sweatshirt that I packed away in the back corner of my closet. There are no pictures and every card, letter, and most of the jewelry has been put away. Writing out the story, like I swore I would, is a slow process, mostly because it just brings back too many memories. I don't eat at Speakeasy and I never drive by HHS. The Market is off limits and I don't go to the Riverwalk much. I've grown my hair long, mostly out of spite. I still love my college football team and baseball team, but it's hard to cheer for the white and gold. And though all of this is not the main reason by any means, it certainly plays a part in the finding of a new church. A blue Altima still makes me do a double take and I'm not the biggest fan of facial hair anymore. Going to LaGrange is difficult. I can still hear your voice and your laugh. Being called "Sweetheart" makes me cringe a bit. There are even certain bible passages that make my mind travel to a different time. I still have to answer questions and I still encounter awkward moments of brief explanations with little detail. I am rarely, if ever, vocally negative and if I am, it is only to a privileged, and very specific, three. There are friends I can't see and phrases I can't forget.

In all that I have seemingly lost, I have gained so much more. I found new music, new movies, new restaurants, and locations. I've learned to be independent. I've got priorities and goals that are healthy and ambitious. I've learned to lean on the One and Only and to place my trust in Him rather than men. I've regained relationships that were once strained and have had my eyes opened to a whole new world.

There are days when I still think it could have worked and days when I know it wouldn't have. There are days when I want to hate you and it's everyday that I know that I cannot. There are days when it's too much, but more often there are days when I know that I am just fine. There are seldom days where tears are present and they are mostly over work, a bad hair day, or my car.

I'm just fine. Even when it's too much, even when I want to cry, even when I am reminded, I am just fine.

"...and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security...and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight... And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth ,and you learn, and you learn..."-Veronica A. Shoffstall


A said...

Girl... I am loving your blog! You are a great writer and you remind me a lot of myself... sorry if that scares you! Keep the posts coming... I enjoy!

T said...

It doesn't scare me at all! I love you!!!!