Friday, December 30, 2005

That thing called college...

Does it even matter where you go, as long as you go? Do you even have to go? I have to go for me. I have to challenge myself and do this for me. I will go and I will graduate and I might even get my masters. I might go to law school. I don't know. I need support from my mom in this. I know that I have so many friends that are behind me 100%. I know that, but I need my mom to support me and my need to get away. I do not want to always live in my hometown. I have to see other places and I am terrified that if I don't do it now, I never will. My mom actually told me that she didn't think that I was mature to go away to college. Where did that come from? She would be the only person with that thought.
My mom means the world to me and if something happened to her, I know that I would die. Her opinion means everything and I need her support and she is not willing to give that to me. What's a girl to do? I pray and that's about all that I am able to do at this point. I have tried to talk to her, but she won't have it.
She also wants me to move on from a certain situation in my life and to trust her and my dad. That is the hardest thing that she has ever asked me to do and I am just not ready to. I need some time, but again, she is not real willing to give it to me. I wish that God would just appear to me in a dream or speak to me in a loud, booming voice and tell me what His plan for my life is. I know that doesn't happen, but it would be so nice.
I never seem to have anything positive to write. I am a happy person, for the most part. I swear.
I did color my hair last night. It is not real drastic, just a deeper shade of red than my natural color. It looks really good. I love it!
That's all for now, more later.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

So today....

I went and had target practice with a couple of my siblings. I am trying to lose some weight. That is not going so well. My mom lost three pounds and I am not losing anything. We'll see what happens.
I have church tonight and I am going to go see my Grandmother at the nursing home later. Yesterday, I went shopping and got a jacket with a gift card that I had. Nice jacket. I LOVE IT!!!
I found out yesterday that I was accepted at my number one choice college, COVENANT COLLEGE!!! I am so excited. Now that I know that I am in, I have to try and get the money to go. If I don't get to go, I know that God has a plan. I could end up at CSU and live with annabeck. That would not be bad at all. However, I would love to be up on that mountain. It would be the most awesome thing ever.
Once I know what college I am going to, I should probably decide what to major in. I know that I don't have to decide right away, but it would be nice to just know. I hate not knowing. I thought theatre and now I am thinking political science or maybe even pre-law. That would be scary, seeing as how that could actually lead to law school. Do I want to do that? Do I want to spend the rest of my life at school? I don't know. I need to call my lawyer friend, Mr. Scott Barber. He'll have some great advice. He always does.
That's all for now, more later.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Today has been....

a challenge. My head hurts like crazy and I feel really depressed. I feel guilty and sad. I know all that has happened in the past few weeks has been my fault and I wish that I could make things right, but I don't know how. I need to to sit down and pray. I need some peace. I also need to ask for joy and grace. Oh, and Strength.
I know that things will come out all right in the end. God has a plan and while I have no idea what that plan is, I am trusting in Him to guide and direct me and show me His will. It's so hard sometimes, but I know that He will lift me up from this miserable place where I am at and give me new hope and joy, if I just ask. It's almost as if I am ashamed to ask for it though. I don't know why. It is a completely honest and sincere prayer. He will answer, I know.
I need to pray for contentment. He has placed me where I am for a reason.

That's all for now, folks.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

twas the day before Christmas and all through the house...

people were cleaning and yelling at each other to get their stuff done. It is so crazy around here. We are having company for dinner and all we are doing today is cleaning. We had a great breakfast and it has been a good morning. My mom is out doing the last little bit of Christmas shopping that she has left with all the other people that have finish theirs too. I know that it is crazy out there and I am so glad that I am here at home.
I am really starting to get excited about tomorrow. I want to see what's under the tree. I also am excited about church. I don't remember Christmas on a Sunday. I know that I have had a Christmas on a Sunday, I am just drawing a blank. It will be nice to see everyone and to hear the Christmas story. This is a great time of year and a wonderful time to reflect on all that God has done in our lives and in the lives of the people we know and love.
Last night we went to a Christmas party at my aunt and uncle's house. It is a tradition in our family. It was bitter-sweet, because of the fact that our grandparents were not there. It will be the same way tomorrow when we are all together. My cousin, Peyton, and her husband surprised us all and came in from Tennessee. We thought that we wouldn't all be together this year and we will be. That was so important to my mom and all of us really. It will be so good for everyone to spend the day together.

There is so much on my mind and maybe after Christmas I will sit down and write it all out. Maybe...

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas time

I love Christmas time. I love the tree and the lights and all the smells that go with the idea of Christmas. I love the people and the music. I must say that I hate the shopping. If I had a credit card, I would have done all my shopping online. I hate the lines and all the crowds that push and shove. If I don't have to buy anything, then it's not so bad being at the mall. Like I said, I don't mind the people, it's just all the looking. I am a girl and I do like to shop, it's just that Christmas makes shopping so ick. It puts you on a time schedule to get your shopping done and who needs a schedule or a time limit on shopping? Nobody!
This year will be a different kind of Christmas. There will be a lot of tension at my house. It will not be as joyful and as happy as it has been every other year and that will be all my fault. If I had done what my parents had asked me to do and stayed clam and not taken everything into my own hands, everything would be like it is every other year. Sometimes, like today, I wish that I had a family like annabeck. There may be things that I don't see and wouldn't want to see, but there is a sense of trust and forgiveness for the mistakes that Mama Lou and Woody know that the kids will make. Here, you screw up and your life is over.
I know that God is in control and I know that all will be fine in the end, but right now I feel the heaviness of guilt and I want some kind of normalcy in my life once again.
Wouldn't it be great to be a normal teenager? Wouldn't it be great to be able to go and do something with out feeling like the odd man out because you have to be home by 10pm on a Friday night? Yes, it would feel great. One day....
So for now, I am going to pretend like all is well in my world and put on a happy face for all my siblings. They deserve a tension free Christmas.