Thursday, March 09, 2006

Frustration is a frustrating thing...

Ok...College money and scholarships for the money and auditions for the money, it's all frustrating. I have written so many essays...They are coming out of my ears. :-)
My mom is the other frustrating part of my life. She has raised me to be independent and yet, she won't let me be that way. She pushes to make all the decisions. She told me today that she was "still the parent" and that I was "the child" and that she "didn't have to explain herself to me" because she was "the parent." I hope that I never operate that way with my kids. If I am going to tell them to do something or tell them that they can't do something, I had better have a good reason and be able to tell them.
Tonight, my mother told me that I couldn't go and do something because she wanted me to stay home. She isn't even going to be here! She said that didn't matter that wasn't the point. I asked what the point was and that's when she gave me the whole shpill about not having to explain herself. Sometimes, it seems like everything is going great with her and sometimes...
How do I know that I am going to make good decisions when I get to college and I am out on my own? I don't know for sure because, even though my parents have raised me to be independent, I don't make my own decisions about anything. Where I go and when I go and when I get out and when I go to bed and when I eat and what I eat and what I read and what movies I see, all of that and more is decided for me. It's aggravating and it makes me all the more anxious to be out of this house and in college, on my own. Arrgh. I don't want to feel this way and maybe, I don't really. Maybe I am just angry. I don't know.
It's all just so frustrating.

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